For the last several months, through my anger, grief and despair, in the midst of an ongoing pandemic and the (sometimes slow, sometimes fast) collapse of the world as we have come to know it, I’ve been doing what I know to do: use what I have to make a difference where I can. For me, what I have is a love of writing and learning, a passion for supporting relationships of all kinds, and a commitment to our collective liberation, particularly around gender and sexuality. When transgender people once again became the target of hateful legislation across the country, legislation that’s part of a larger campaign to dehumanize LGBTQ+ people, as well as Black, indigenous and other people of color, I became even more focused on using my knowledge and skills to support trans people and their loved ones. The best way I can do that is through loving the transgender people in my life and by supporting partners of transgender, non-binary and gender-questioning people.  The result of putting my head down and focusing on this project of love and liberation is my new ebook called Empowered Partners: A Guide for Partners of Transgender, Non-Binary and Gender-Questioning People. Drawing together the content I’ve shared in my online course of the same name, Empowered Partners is designed to stand alone as a resource or to be shared in community through the Empowered Partners online course. 

When I entered private practice in 2015, I knew I wanted to focus on trauma therapy with LGBTQ clients. My life experience has been shaped by my queerness, and I wanted to communicate that part of my identity to those who might want to work with me. I wanted my queer clients to know that I see them and can relate to some aspects of their lived experience. I wanted my trans and non-binary clients to know that some of my closest loved ones are trans and non-binary, and that I know their lives to be precious. I wanted my cisgender and non-queer clients to know that my work and life is rooted in examining and dismantling the binaries that keep us all confined and disconnected from ourselves and each other.

What I found as I started to market my practice was fear and internalized homophobia telling me that it wasn’t okay to be visible as a queer provider. Working in community mental health agencies where I didn’t have much autonomy around how I presented myself as a provider left me with a sense that doing it my way might be the “wrong” way. My short time in the field also left me with a lot of questions.

Change is a natural part of relationships. Binary thinking increases fear of change. We need each other to calm down when we get scared. And support can help us orient to what we know and increase our sense of security In the context of loving someone who’s exploring their gender or changing the way they understand or present their gender, fear of uncertainty paired with cultural conditioning into binary thinking can cause a host of challenges.

Unfortunately when you’re in this position, there are often obstacles to getting the necessary support and guidance you need to make sense of your feelings and orient to what’s true for you and your relationship. Some partners don’t want to admit that they need support because they think it will send the message that they aren’t supportive of their partner’s decision to explore their gender or transition. Other partners know that their friends and family won’t support their partner’s transition, and they don’t feel like they have anyone to turn to for support. And some partners aren’t really sure how they feel about all this so they don’t want the focus on them at all.

I’m here to tell you that even the most supportive and affirming partners need support.

So we know that change is a part of life and that binary thinking increases fear. Now I want to talk about what can happen in our relationships when we’re scared. Feeling afraid causes us to scan for danger. If we can identify the threat that’s scaring us, maybe we can protect ourselves from it. If, in that scanning for threat, you find that it’s something related to your partner that’s causing you to feel scared, you might move away from them to feel safer, whether or not they're actually doing anything threatening.

Sometimes it’s really healthy and important to get distance from others to regulate and re-establish a sense of security. But because we’re mammals, we also need other mammals to help us calm down when we feel afraid. (Cue pets to the rescue when people just won’t do.) Because it can be hard to calm down when you’re isolated, fear within your relationship can build, causing your relationship with your partner to suffer. Because it can be hard to think clearly when you're scared, navigating a change (like, oh, say, gender transition) while you're scared can be really hard.

Our relationships can suffer when we’re feeling scared or threatened or simply overwhelmed. It's important to find ways to soothe our fears and find our way back to feeling connected to others so that we can think more clearly. Finding other people who understand your fears can help you calm them. My new program, Empowered Partners, will connect you with other partners who can relate to what you’re feeling right now, helping you to feel less isolated and more empowered. Empowered Partners is a 6 week program designed to empower you with the guidance, education and support you need to offer meaningful support to your transgender, non-binary and gender-questioning partner. If you're looking for support around this type of change in your relationship, I hope you'll register. Space is limited and registration closes April 9th.

I’ve shared my belief that change is a natural part of life and relationships and why we sometimes get scared when we find out that our partners are changing. Now I want to explore another reason change can be scary: binary thinking. Binary thinking is the habit humans have of putting things into distinct categories. You might also call it either/or thinking. [See also: characteristics of white supremacy culture.]

When the world feels overwhelming, our brains try to help us by simplifying things that are actually really complex. I see this in my work as a trauma therapist all the time. The more scared we get, the more we see things in black or white because our nervous systems aren’t resourced enough to tolerate the nuances of grey. When I say “binary thinking,” I’m not just talking about the gender binary. We can put all sorts of things in boxes to try to control or make sense of them. The problem with binary thinking is that it’s not a true reflection of reality. Not only that, binary thinking can be a tool of oppression, limiting the acceptable options for existing in the world. When a dominant group forces their fearful, limited binary thinking onto others, anyone who doesn't fit neatly in the right category is pushed out.