A long time ago I read a piece of relationship advice that’s stuck with me. It’s been so long that I don’t remember where I read it or who said it, but it went something like this: one of the best things you can do for your relationship is to always tell your partner how you’re changing. I love this advice because at its heart is a transformative truth: change is a part of life and so change is a part of every relationship. Change and partnership go hand in hand.

Change is a necessary and essential part of the human experience. When we’ve stopped changing, we’ve stopped growing. And change can be scary, no matter who you are or what changes are happening. In relationships change can be scary because we can come to rely on our partners for our sense of security and when they change, that can cause us to feel insecure. When your partner represents security and then they change, the insecurity you feel can cause you to question what else might change. If you’re feeling scared or insecure in other aspects of your life, hearing about a change in your partner can feel overwhelming.

As the days are growing longer and warmer, I’m feeling excited about spring and also reflecting on one full year of pandemic life. It was this time last year that I was settling into a new routine of seeing clients remotely from home, socializing outside or not at all and washing my hands more thoroughly than ever before. One opportunity I've discovered in this new way of living is the ability to connect with people no matter where they live. I’ve been in Zoom rooms with people from all over the world this year, in conferences, book clubs, and meditation groups. I've also been able to offer my work in new ways and to new people through online offerings that emerged out of my practice specialties and personal passions.

My newest online offering is a free webinar on How to Support Your Transgender, Non-Binary or Gender-Questioning Partner. Since entering private practice in 2015, I’ve been a relationship-focused therapist who specializes in supporting clients and their families as they navigate challenges related to gender and sexuality. One thing I’ve noticed is that so many of the available resources about gender transition focus on the person transitioning, leaving partners to wonder how and where they fit into the equation. I created this webinar to help people find ways to provide meaningful support to their transitioning partners without losing contact with their needs or the needs of the relationship.

As I’ve said here before, I’m intentional about the spaces I create for mental health and wellness providers because I know that the way we engage together around the topics of trauma, oppression and relationships matters.

I don’t promise a safe space because feeling safe can mean feeling comfortable. Growth requires that we feel past the edges of our comfort. Comfort is also a state that white supremacy culture has conditioned us to believe is deserved by white people. Feeling into anti-oppressive principles can feel dangerous to white people because they threaten our sense of who we are in the world.

To begin to build group cultures that can hold all that comes up as we consider our roles in systems of oppression, I’ve come up with some group agreements that I center in my work with providers.

Naming the reality of systemic oppression can be deeply validating for our clients, especially when it’s been ignored by other providers. Many mental health and wellness providers avoid bringing oppression into the conversation with clients because they’re afraid they’ll be expected to know things they don’t know. Or that they’ll be implicated as part of the problem and not know what to do about it.

I’m here to tell you that you can start where you are. You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to know how to fix it. You can start by acknowledging that oppression exists and then get curious about its impact. When we do this, we create an opening for our clients to share our curiosity about how oppression has shaped them.

We invite our clients to consider a fuller picture of their lives, their challenges and their resources. We invite them to shift the focus from “what’s wrong” with them to a focus on what they need to live into the fullest expression of themselves.

As mental health and wellness providers we want to believe that we are helping our clients. We know that there are so many factors impacting our clients’ mental health and well-being that we can’t control, and we want to believe that their time with us contributes to their well-being.

The truth is, if we’re ignoring the impact of oppression on our clients, we may be causing them harm. Staying silent about something we don’t understand or feel shame about is a common strategy. But it comes with consequences.

When someone comes to us seeking help, support and understanding, if we don’t attend to the impact of oppression in that person’s life, we send the message that it’s not important and isn’t a factor in the suffering they’re feeling. Not only do we miss the opportunity to connect by helping our client feel seen, heard and understood, we send the message that the violence of oppression is normal and they shouldn’t be traumatized by it. If we didn't think that was true, why wouldn’t we be talking about it when we talk about their trauma?